One of the most important parts of any conversation is the
silence. Silence can serve many functions in a conversation and
how you manage it determines your level of sophistication.
Here are some points to keep in mind about silence in
communication.
1. Allowing silence in a conversation puts pressure on the other
person.
It’s conventional in the US not to allow any sort of extended
silence in a conversation. Therefore, to allow one puts pressure
on the other person to “fill air time”. Some interviewers, for
instance, use this technique to see what will happen. Often the
person will “spill” - saying exactly the thing they didn’t want
to say.
2. Silence can indicate hostility.
Withdrawing, “stonewalling,” and pouting in silence are ways
some people handle anger. Such a silence can be pulsating with
bad feelings and elicit anger on the part of the other person.
3. Silence can indicate disagreement.
While it’s almost never an indication of indifference, silence
can indicate that the other person is having negative emotions.
When we experience anger, fear, or embarrassment, our thinking
brain shuts down. We sit there fuming, unable to speak; enraged
and unable to find words; afraid and scared speechless. Some
people are “flooded” with these emotions, and unable to respond.
4. Silence can indicate profoundness, such as awe or horror.
Sometimes when we’re listening to someone else, we hear
something that leaves us speechless because it really goes
beyond words. Listening to someone talk about a dreadful trauma
they’ve endured, or a beautiful, almost-sacred interaction with
another human being, or a description of an awesome natural
event such as a sunset or a volcano eruption are examples.
Somehow when we listen to such things, the ordinary “Oh” and
“Wow” and “That’s awesome” don’t seem enough, and so we fall
silent.
5. Silence can indicate respect.
In some cultures more than others, silence indicates respect. A
young person may be expected to approach an older person or a
person in authority and remain silent until recognized,
acknowledged and spoken to.
6. Silence can indicate contemplation.
The more introverted your communication partner, the more likely
they will think before they speak. Extraverts discover what
they’re thinking and how they feel by talking. Introverts figure
it all out inside their own head and heart before giving voice
to it.
7. Silence can be intentional rudeness. Because of the nature of
normal conversation in the US, allowing an extended silence can
be perceived as rudeness. It can also be meant that way.
Refusing to reply to the other person is a way of ignoring them.
8. Silence can be the creation of a listening space.
When you are profoundly listening to someone, you create an open
space for them to talk into that’s almost palpable. Good
listeners know how to do this, and it can be learned. It’s an
openness that you transmit through nonverbal means.
9. Silence can be an indication of empathy.
When we’re really tuning in to how the other person feels, we’re
listening more to the tone of their voice, cadence and speed
rather than the actual words, so reply with words may not be the
most appropriate response. Sometimes sounds are more attuned … a
murmur, a sigh, sucking in the breath in shock, soothing sounds,
clucking (tsk tsk), or shaking the head and going uh, uh, uh.
10. How you manage silence in conversation is an important part
of emotional intelligence.
Excellent communicators can allow silence when it’s effective or
called for; can avoid being pressured into “spilling” when
silence is used manipulatively; offer silence as a gift or sign
of respect; interpret the silence of others appropriately;
understand how other cultures use silence; mindfully regulate
the use of silence; and are comfortable with silence and
understand its many uses.